A Long Term Relationship

I was an average sized child until the age of 5, when I started kindergarten. I had already crossed over to being quite heavy. Despite my young age, I knew that I was unhealthy. I knew the difference between “bad” and “good” foods, and that I was more likely to eat the bad ones. The first question my bus driver asked every young passenger on the way to afternoon kindergarten was, “What did you just eat for lunch?” I learned quickly that if I said something like pizza or peanut butter I would be met with a comment on my weight. If I responded that I’d had a salad, I’d be ridiculed for eating such an adult meal. But I decided that I’d rather be laughed at for eating a salad than have someone look at me and think, “The last thing that little girl needs is a slice of pizza.”

My bus driver’s nosiness may not be what began my life as an overweight girl, but that is one of my earliest memories of my relationship to food, how I was perceived by others, and how I saw myself because of what I ate.

Until I reached a year of healthy living and had shed 100 pounds from my body, my longest relationship was with food. Some of my best memories are centered around food – the lunches my grandmother and I would prepare together, the birthday dinners, Christmas meals with my family, stocking up on candy for slumber parties. I can’t remember a time I didn’t use food as a means of celebration and comfort.

In elementary school, I couldn’t wait to get home and watch my soap operas while I ate a snack of nutty bars and potato chips and cookies. I was excited about high school because I knew the cafeteria sold raw, frozen chocolate chip cookie dough. Food was reliable when people weren’t. I didn’t know if I’d make friends, but I knew I could count on good, tasty food. And when I did make friends, the food was a means to connect, to celebrate with them. Food was always at the center of everything, a major priority. A long road trip? I made sure there were enough snacks. Someone’s birthday? I’ve got the cupcakes covered.

When I started losing weight, food was still a major priority. I planned breaks from my healthy diet based on holidays or other events that I knew would involve desserts. Being successful, though, was about changing my food priorities and my relationship with food.

Losing weight is a major committment. That is how I’ve had to think about it in order to stay on track for the last 14 months. It’s not something to take lightly. I’ve had to take that energy I used to put toward planning my meals and snacks and turn it into more positive energy – toward exercise, healthier choices. Now, my biggest priority is exercise. I’ve got to work later, when will I get my second walk in? I have to leave an hour earlier, so how I can I still fit 90 minutes of exercise in today? Rather than focusing on sugary sweets, I give priority to vegetables and fruits. I feed my hunger with those healthy foods, making sure I get at least three servings of each a day.

It’s certainly easier and more fun to think about desserts and salty snacks, but unlike my five year old self on that hot, sticky bus, I want to respond to the question of what I had for lunch with pride. Whether I say pizza or salad, I want to know that I’ve exercised and ate the food that is going to most fill me up, most satisfy my taste buds and my desire to be healthy. If I choose to have pizza, I don’t want to say it with shame. After 20+ years of having a pretty shameful relationship with food, I’m ready to turn it around.